“What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.” – Brené Brown
I remember the first time I recognized what shame truly felt like. I was a pre-teen and other kids at school were laughing at me for talking differently. I had what they called a “strange accent.” I was so ashamed that I stopped talking unless it was very necessary and I became a reserved child.
That’s what shame does. It makes you question your presence in this world and the sad part is that it follows you into adulthood.
We live in a society that has all these spoken and unspoken rules. You learned shame the day you broke one of those rules. Shame is the emotion that highlights your inadequacies and shortcomings. It is the never-ending feeling that you are falling short of a certain standard. Shame threatens disconnection from the rest of society because it lies to you that you aren’t worthy. After all, you’re different.
“What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.” – Brené Brown
How to Take a Self-Compassion Break When You Experience Shame
We have all experienced shame at a point in our lives. Our mistakes, failures, and shortcomings have filled us with shame.
By choosing self-compassion, you are making the brave choice to rise above the feeling that you are not good enough, doing enough, or being enough.
Self-compassion is choosing to be kind, loving, forgiving, and understanding towards yourself in the face of your pain, suffering, struggle, or feelings of inadequacy. There will be life experiences that make you feel ashamed but with self-compassion, you are reminded not to define yourself by them.
Here’s how you can do that when you are overcome by shame:
Let’s say you’re in public, something embarrassing has happened to you and you’re now filled with shame. Acknowledge that at that moment you are overcome by shame and other negative feelings like anger or sadness.
Name the suffering you’re going through. “What I just experienced really hurts me” “I feel deeply ashamed” “This is stressful for me” “This is a moment of suffering”
Remind yourself that other people have also experienced the feeling of being judged or looked down upon. You are not alone in this feeling even if it feels that way.
This is all part of being human. “This happens to others too” “Anyone else would find this hard too” “Everyone makes mistakes” “We all struggle sometimes” “This experience is not unique to just me” “Nobody is perfect”
Offer yourself kindness just like a friend or a stranger would be kind to you in your moment of struggle or embarrassment. What do you need the most at this moment? Is it acceptance, forgiveness, strength, or patience? Give it to yourself.
Put your hand over your heart and tell yourself what you need to hear. “This too shall pass” “I forgive myself for making a mistake” “I will get through this” “I am here for myself” “I love myself regardless of this situation” “I am human” “This does not define my worth”
The Shame That’s Not Yours to Carry
Self-compassion also involves recognizing the shame that you should let go of. We were conditioned to retract to shame when we don’t fit the mold or when we make a decision that doesn’t reflect the majority. Since we learned shame so early on in life, it’s become a defining factor of our behavior, decisions, emotions, worldviews, and thought processes.
Drop this shame:
Shame for your gender, identity, personality, traits, sexuality, and race. These are things beyond your control. Don’t let shame rob you of the experience of existing as your most authentic self. You are who you are; the world will catch up.
Shame for setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care. Do what you must to preserve and protect your sanity and wellbeing. Nobody’s opinion about this is strong enough for you to abandon your needs.
Shame for other people’s mistakes. Other people’s bad choices are not yours to protect or hide. They should be the ones feeling the weight of their wrongdoing. Don’t victim-shame yourself into believing you deserve the bad things done to you.
Shame for standing up for yourself. Speak up against any injustices done to you. You are your best advocate. Silence is what other people use to assert control over you and your voice weakens their control.
Shame for making decisions that are different. You are entitled to your choices, opinions, and thoughts even if they are not agreeable with others. If it brings you joy, peace, and comfort then by all means do more of it.
To unlearn and heal from a lifetime of shame takes time and practice so be gentle with yourself. The key is to stop the emotion of shame from growing and taking over you in those little moments you experience it. When you learn to be compassionate with yourself, shame takes a back seat because it has no claim where your radical self-acceptance is. It’s a learning process and take it as such. Instead of asking yourself, “What on earth was I thinking/doing?” ask, “What can I learn from this experience?”
You can build your shame resilience over time. At Healing Springs Wellness Center, we can help you cultivate compassion, empathy, connection, and power over shame. Schedule your free consultation call today and let’s begin your journey to freedom.
“Self-compassion is key because when we’re able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we’re more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy.” – Brené Brown
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